I heard someone refer to Black Friday as "Houndstooth Friday," and at first I thought it was pretty funny-- but what in the hell does that mean? I guess it has something to do with the disappointment in retail sales, and nothing at all to do with the disappointment in fabric choices. As usual, everyone completely misses the point. And they go around wearing it, as if it is no crime whatsoever.
Fall, winter, and spring are all, unfortunately houndstooth season, these days. The designs have gotten bolder, the pattern more prevalent, and my world is shrinking to the point where I have nowhere to hide. To illustrate my point, I was looking at satellite photos of my dear, dreaded town on a google map, and when you zoom into the closest setting you can go, if you see a well populated street, you can MAKE OUT THE HOUNDSTOOTH DESIGNS -- at least the unfortunately over-sized ones. Houndstooth you can see from space! It's a sad state of affairs.
Please, people, have mercy. Stop wearing houndstooth now before it is too late. It is already too late, but still... please... stop...
I don't know what else to say. I stop people in the street and ask, why are you wearing that? How can you wear that? Don't you know what you're doing? Don't you realize how you affect people?
When I see someone wearing a big, bold houndstooth design garment, it's exactly as if they were walking down the street with a giant sweatshirt with the giant word FUCK printed across it in bold day-glo orange helvetica.
Everyone gets the message, sure, and no one misses it. It's just that some of us want to be able to walk here and there and take public transportation and be out in the world generally without being made to FOCUS on the visual textile design representation of everything that is wrong with everything, everywhere, all the time.
Summer certainly is the most houndstooth-free season, which I enjoyed immensely! Now: fall is upon us, and I have scheduled an appointment with a psychoanalyst to attempt to get some tranquilizers or something. I was on U-Tube train earlier this week, doing fine, then I noticed sitting next to me a woman whose vinyl houndstooth bag TOUCHED MY ARM! I went berserk and they had to stop the train between stations and escort me out along a rat-infested tunnel. At least it was better than houndstooth. If anything, the rats wear a touch of herringbone.
When I was on the bus today a man got on wearing a wide brimmed hat with a wide brown band. The design of the hat was an odd, uneven mottled brown and white with no logic to it. As he got closer to me I noticed that parts of the design naturally fell into the houndstooth category-- or perhaps the whole thing was attempting an houndstooth design and failing. It was crazy. Then he got even closer to me, and I was able to see what was up with this hat. It was made out of brown and white bands of material woven together, but in an imperfect fashion. At that moment I realized that houndstooth is formed by a pattern of two contrasting colors of materials that are woven together-- vertically, horizontally, and... here's the key... diagonally!
This was a groundbreaking discovery, and the excitement from realizing that was almost enough to hide the migraine and nausea that came on me like drowning in an ocean of cheap cologne. This was it! The discovery I've been seeking, apparently. My congratulations to myself came in a rush as I leapt off the bus at the next stop and puked into a trash can.
I got on the elevator after work today, and a woman got on from one of the sweatshop floors-- illegal sweatshops, as opposed to the legal sweatshop where I toil-- and she was carrying a brown paper bag with a woolen, brown and white, houndstooth jacket, its shape held aggressively by a hanger. It sat there like a newly slaughtered side of beef. It made me think of a headless torso, jiggling there in the bag, helplessly. It was the most terrifying sight I've ever seen.
For a few days it seemed like the warm weather had all but driven the houndstooth completely underground, at least for the winter. Then, because of a cold snap or something-- no wait-- there was no "cold snap." It was that horrifically cold and windy and rainy last Friday. Suddenly the houndstooth was out again, like a field of poisonous mushrooms, sprouting everywhere it shouldn't. It seemed to have a new, more aggressive quality, too, as if they had invented a new variety in just the last few days, meant to counteract any wild notions of peace, harmony, tastefulness, or balance.
Memo to the woman with the houndstooth scarf: I wasn't staring at you, I was staring at your scarf!
But why bother to try to explain myself. It only makes matters worse. For the most part, the unseasonably warm weather has been a blessing and a houndstooth eradicator. But today the incessant rain brought out the dark clothing once again, and I walked the earth in fear of what I might see. I was spared, however, through most of the day, and it wasn't until the final whistle blew that I noticed a sight that chilled my blood.
It was a secret houndstooth pattern-- the first like it I've seen. The pattern consisted of two dark grays, or blue grays, so a casual person might not notice a pattern at all. And then, the worst of it was that it was an ELONGATED houndstooth pattern-- houndstooth trying to disguise itself as something more abstract, innocuous, less sinister.
But it was more sinister. Much, much more sinister.
I stopped at the Good Will thrift shop today to hopefully buy some shirts, in solid colors only, and upon entering I was face to face with a men's jacket with a very small but aggressive houndstooh pattern. I was shocked, but not really. More sickened than anything. But then next to it I saw an even sharper suit jacket with an even more micro design-- it was so small that I had to remove my glasses and look at it up close to see if it actually WAS houndstooth! It was. I almost considered buying that one, for one crazy moment, and thus hurrying my descent into madness.
Because The Pope was visiting Eldorado today there was no houndstooth to be seen whatsoever, or so I thought, because of Pope's aversion to the pattern, which he has called, "Unnatural" and "Not in keeping with the tenets of the church." I thought I might see houndstooth wearing protestors being dragged down the street by temporarily blue-clad police (who we all know, in Eldorado, normally sport the offending design).
As it was, however, 78 degrees, there was no houndstooth to be seen anyway. When I, later, got onto a crowded transit train, to my dismay there was only one available seat, and it was inches away from a large woman wearing a dress with an impressionistic red design, and on her knees, resting, a bold black and white houndstooth jacket. I bravely sat there anyway, me knees jammed into the flesh of her behind (the seats on this train facing all over the place, seemingly designed by a playfully sadistic social scientist). Then... right next to me another woman sat, and in her lap was the first I've ever seen of a two-tone, red and black in alternating stripes, houndstooth jacket! That being WAY to much to look at, I focused my attention on the black and white jacket in front of me. The horrible thing is, it started undulating on the slippery fabric of her dress like a live animal, like a slithery mink or otter! Which, besides being terrifying in itself, revealed a red satin liner, looking like the belly of a snake!
I must have passed out at that point, because when I regained consciousness they were both gone and I had missed my stop!
The houndstooth seems to very well have been disappearing, or so I thought-- no it has. I didn't see any for like a day, mostly because of the warmer weather, I think-- but then I saw a homeless guy in an underground transit tunnel, and I noticed that he was wearing some crazy houndstooth pants! The pants looked kind of like pajamas, and they were several sizes too big, and tied with a rope belt. He was standing there kind of defiantly and furtively, looking around, and then I noticed that he was smoking! I've never seen anyone smoking underground before. I think they give you life in prison for that. But this guy didn't care-- all of his posses ions were in a black plastic trash bag, and I wondered at what point he put on those houndstooth pants. We don't usually think about that kind of stuff about homeless people because I guess we try not to think about them at all.
Things were going good for awhile, it seemed like there would be no more houndstooth until fall-- and then I saw a couple of Japanese tourists, young girls, taking pictures, and one of them had on one of the most aggressive black and white houndstooth jackets I've ever seen. It nearly made me throw up. Then I kept on seeing them-- oddly, and uncannily-- throughout the day. It was as if they had been sent to torment me.
I can just sense the weather getting warmer, thankfully, and thus the winter clothes starting to disappear. This makes me happy; more it's providing me with a sense of relief. Why? Because houndstooth patterns tend to exist more in cold weather fashions. So hopefully this sickening epidemic of houndstooth will soon, if not be cured, go into a seasonal remission. And not a moment to soon, because I am noticing more and more that I'm being adversely affected by seeing the pattern. Today I noticed a woman from a distance, while in the park, wearing a peaked cap, an old-fashioned style, with a orange and brown design, and I was CERTAIN it was houndstooth, even from such a distance that I couldn't be sure. This caused me some distress. I was able to avoid seeing it most of the day, but then going into an office building I saw a woman with a very bold black and white pattern, fairly large, going through a revolving door. The sight of this caused me to start revolving myself. I almost vomited, but I got control of myself. Tomorrow is supposed to be warmer yet. We'll see if my theory holds up.
That's that Ghostface guy from the Wu Tang Clan, wearing a really scary houndstooth hat. Is it houndstooth? I can't tell, it's blury, I need to get closer up. Why is he called Ghoseface, and why is he wearing that hat?
I just found this collage somewhere-- it was sent to me by Randy Russell-- I assume he's the person who made it. He didn't send me the collage, but the image of the collage. I guess because of the houndstooth tie in it, which is pretty nice, I admit. Hey, I saw this woman wearing an amazing coat today, in the increasingly fall-like fall... Oh, but that's another story.