A Startling New Development

Memo to the woman with the houndstooth scarf: I wasn't staring at you, I was staring at your scarf!

But why bother to try to explain myself. It only makes matters worse. For the most part, the unseasonably warm weather has been a blessing and a houndstooth eradicator. But today the incessant rain brought out the dark clothing once again, and I walked the earth in fear of what I might see. I was spared, however, through most of the day, and it wasn't until the final whistle blew that I noticed a sight that chilled my blood.

It was a secret houndstooth pattern-- the first like it I've seen. The pattern consisted of two dark grays, or blue grays, so a casual person might not notice a pattern at all. And then, the worst of it was that it was an ELONGATED houndstooth pattern-- houndstooth trying to disguise itself as something more abstract, innocuous, less sinister.

But it was more sinister. Much, much more sinister.

Thriftstore

I stopped at the Good Will thrift shop today to hopefully buy some shirts, in solid colors only, and upon entering I was face to face with a men's jacket with a very small but aggressive houndstooh pattern. I was shocked, but not really. More sickened than anything. But then next to it I saw an even sharper suit jacket with an even more micro design-- it was so small that I had to remove my glasses and look at it up close to see if it actually WAS houndstooth! It was. I almost considered buying that one, for one crazy moment, and thus hurrying my descent into madness.

The Pope Is No Help

Because The Pope was visiting Eldorado today there was no houndstooth to be seen whatsoever, or so I thought, because of Pope's aversion to the pattern, which he has called, "Unnatural" and "Not in keeping with the tenets of the church." I thought I might see houndstooth wearing protestors being dragged down the street by temporarily blue-clad police (who we all know, in Eldorado, normally sport the offending design).

As it was, however, 78 degrees, there was no houndstooth to be seen anyway. When I, later, got onto a crowded transit train, to my dismay there was only one available seat, and it was inches away from a large woman wearing a dress with an impressionistic red design, and on her knees, resting, a bold black and white houndstooth jacket. I bravely sat there anyway, me knees jammed into the flesh of her behind (the seats on this train facing all over the place, seemingly designed by a playfully sadistic social scientist). Then... right next to me another woman sat, and in her lap was the first I've ever seen of a two-tone, red and black in alternating stripes, houndstooth jacket! That being WAY to much to look at, I focused my attention on the black and white jacket in front of me. The horrible thing is, it started undulating on the slippery fabric of her dress like a live animal, like a slithery mink or otter! Which, besides being terrifying in itself, revealed a red satin liner, looking like the belly of a snake!

I must have passed out at that point, because when I regained consciousness they were both gone and I had missed my stop!

Disappearing

The houndstooth seems to very well have been disappearing, or so I thought-- no it has. I didn't see any for like a day, mostly because of the warmer weather, I think-- but then I saw a homeless guy in an underground transit tunnel, and I noticed that he was wearing some crazy houndstooth pants! The pants looked kind of like pajamas, and they were several sizes too big, and tied with a rope belt. He was standing there kind of defiantly and furtively, looking around, and then I noticed that he was smoking! I've never seen anyone smoking underground before. I think they give you life in prison for that. But this guy didn't care-- all of his posses ions were in a black plastic trash bag, and I wondered at what point he put on those houndstooth pants. We don't usually think about that kind of stuff about homeless people because I guess we try not to think about them at all.

Tourists

Things were going good for awhile, it seemed like there would be no more houndstooth until fall-- and then I saw a couple of Japanese tourists, young girls, taking pictures, and one of them had on one of the most aggressive black and white houndstooth jackets I've ever seen. It nearly made me throw up. Then I kept on seeing them-- oddly, and uncannily-- throughout the day. It was as if they had been sent to torment me.

Warm Weather On Its Way

I can just sense the weather getting warmer, thankfully, and thus the winter clothes starting to disappear. This makes me happy; more it's providing me with a sense of relief. Why? Because houndstooth patterns tend to exist more in cold weather fashions. So hopefully this sickening epidemic of houndstooth will soon, if not be cured, go into a seasonal remission. And not a moment to soon, because I am noticing more and more that I'm being adversely affected by seeing the pattern. Today I noticed a woman from a distance, while in the park, wearing a peaked cap, an old-fashioned style, with a orange and brown design, and I was CERTAIN it was houndstooth, even from such a distance that I couldn't be sure. This caused me some distress. I was able to avoid seeing it most of the day, but then going into an office building I saw a woman with a very bold black and white pattern, fairly large, going through a revolving door. The sight of this caused me to start revolving myself. I almost vomited, but I got control of myself. Tomorrow is supposed to be warmer yet. We'll see if my theory holds up.